tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew.

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmyoh, wow. that's the love. thank you out here. thank you very, very much. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night." [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be a big show tonight. new york city is the place where -- here's what people are talking about, you guys. there's a video going around of president obama getting choked up and crying while he thanks his campaign staff after the election. yeah. [ audience aws ] when mitt romney saw the video, he was, like -- [ as romney ]

>> "what is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes?" [ laughter ] "is he leaking? what --" speaking of mitt romney, now that he's out of the presidential race, he will no longer receive protection from the secret service. [ audience aws ] or as big bird put it, "'sup?" [ laughter and applause ] why would big bird -- "'sup?" there's also a rumor that romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. you know, in case you ever wondered what ambien looks like in book form. [ laughter ] man, this is awesome. you guys hear the trailer for the new brad pitt zombie thriller, "world war z"? >> steve: oh, my. >> jimmy: it released today. it is awesome. it is really amazing. and it might just be me, but it seemed like all the characters in the movie sound a little like pee-wee herman. [ light laughter ] let'take a look.

>> does it live in -- >> no. >> is it really fast? >> hey! >> what is going on? >> ah! >> i need you to help. >> you're asking me to leave my family. >> i'm scared. >> how do you know they're coming? >> they're coming. >> ready? >> uh-huh. >> gerry. >> yeah? >> gerry >> get back in your car right now. >> ouch! >> "world war z." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's scary. looks good. sounds a little bit like -- >> steve: it did. >> jimmy: this is crazy, you guys. on tuesday, a cat named hank actually finished third in virginia's senate race. [ laughter ] strange campaign, especially with those attack ads that said, "hank says he'll balance the

budget, but do you know he gets frightened whenever someone rings the doorbell?" [ laughter ] "can we really trust someone who poops in a box?" [ laughter ] you guys hear about this? it was announced that the pope is going to be on twitter. >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. the pope is now tweeting. we got a hold of some of his first tweets. take a look at some of these. "i wish i had kept the sticker on my pope hat. it would've been so much cooler. maybe i'll swing by the new lids at the malafter work." [ laughter ] there's a lids. next one is just weird. it says, "what if i made my own brand of popcorn but called it popecorn? lolol nomnomnomnomnomnomnom." [ laughter ] nom nom nom? the pope is doing nomnomnom. >> steve: the pope is doing that. [ applause ] that seems weird. >> jimmy: i guess the pope can be a diva sometimes, too, 'cause look at this one here. "who do i have to canonize to get a decent latte around here?" [ laughter ] >> steve: really? >> jimmy: that's a little diva-ish. >> steve: he's the pope. >> jimmy: i know he's the pope, but this is -- the last one's the weirdest one. >> steve: what?

>> jimmy: look at this. "@kimkardashian u up?" [ laughter ] why would he -- >> steve: oh, why would he -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's religious. he's very religious. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: popein' it up. >> jimmy: this was not good. yesterday, thousands of people complained on twitter after facebook went down for 60 seconds. yeah, which is funny, 'cause it reminded me of the time my great-grandparents complained about having to make soup out of shoes during world war ii. [ laughter ] similar -- similar story. and finally, researchers in canada have found evidence of a two-ton dinosaur that had horns all over its face. yes, they're saying it's a distant cousin to that other horny dinosaur, hugh hefner. there you go. [ laughter ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love that you saw the joke coming but still laugh. thank you so much. you're the best crowd. we have an amazing show tonight. it's a giant show. from the new "twilight" movie -- we love him. taylor lautner is back on the show! [ cheers and applause ] he's awesome. every time he comes out, he always does something fun. plus, he's a hilarious comedian and actor. i like this guy. kevin pollak is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] he's got a new book. he's a talented dude. and we have music from jakob dylan and the wallflowers, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] they're back! they got a new record. oh, it's good. [ applause ] he's a good man. it's gonna be a fun, fun show tonight. today's friday, and that's -- [ cheers ] usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, send out "thank- you notes." [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind today, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly "thank-you notes" right now. is that cool?

[ cheers and applause ] would you mind? james, this is the original puppeteer of madame. james? [ laughter ] james, can i get the -- [ laughter ] james? james, can i get some -- [ laughter ] james, can i get some "thank-you note" writing music? do you mind? thank you so much. ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: james flowers. >> jimmy: james flowers, yep. wayland flowers' brother. oh, my goodness. >> steve: hey, what happened? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we just picked him up from madame tussauds. >> steve: are you serious? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. 's great. >> sh a realistic guy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, now he's busted. >> steve: that smile could charm a thousand ships. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, people who say "you had to be there" after telling a story, for basically saying, "turns out, my story sucked." [ laughter ] oh, you had to be there.

>> steve: forget it. >> jimmy: you knew i wasn't there, so why would you tell me? >> steve: yeah, why would you tell me the story? thank you for boring me. yeah, you had to be there. >> jimmy: no, i didn't. >> steve: no, i didn't. glad i wasn't. >> jimmy: yeah. ♪ thank you, real estate brokers, for charging thousands of dollars to basically just go, "how 'bout that one?" [ laughter ] >> steve: "nope?" >> jimmy: "that one?" [ applause ] "how 'bout this one?" >> steve: "nope, forget it." ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, chuck todd, brian williams and david gregory, for proving that, to be a trusted news anchor, all you need are two first names. [ laughter ] you see where i'm going with that? >> steve: i admit, i didn't see it till the end. chuck todd. >> jimmy: brian williams and david gregory. jerry's -- ♪ thank you, restaurant menus with

wacky fonts, for basically saying, "eating here is a really bad idea." [ laughter ] >> steve: "i'll have the -- >> jimmy: "you gotta try the suicidal wave." [ light laughter ] >> steve: "no, i don't. no, i don't." >> jimmy: "you gonna try that one? you want hot? or you can get devil's butthole." [ laughter ] "yeah, the whole family's eating it." >> steve: the devil's butthole? i don't think i want to eat that. i don't want to put that in my body. >> jimmy: yeah. ♪ thank you, mitt romney, for losing out on your bid for the white house. guess you'll just have to settle for your blue house, your yellow house, your gray house, your red house -- [ cheers and applause ] -- your brick house, your dutch colonial, classic tudor, neo-victorian, french chateau and your summer house that has a tree house that's the same size as a regular house. [ cheers and applause ] he's disappointed. ♪ thank you, ice, for not minding

that you float in a pool of your own blood. [ laughter ] it's just ice, man. >> steve: yeah, it's just ice. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, steven spielberg's "lincoln," for coming to theaters today. though it's a little strange that lincoln would ever want to be back in a theater. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, people who take pictures with their ipads, for basically saying, "i like taking pictures, but more importantly, i like other people seeing me taking pictures." [ laughter ] there you guys go. those are my "thank-you notes." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with "freestylin' with the roots." [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. thank you for watching our show. i appreciate it. i would say our show is so lucky to have the greatest band in late night, the roots right there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] they are the greatest. they are the greatest. but it isn't always fun and games. from time to time, we put the roots to the test. we pick random people from our

beautiful audience here and have the roots make up songs about them on the spot. it's time for "freestylin' with the roots." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ time to freestyle with the roots ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! roots, you ready to do this? >> all: yes! >> jimmy: all right, let's pick someone. who wants the roots to write a song about them? [ cheers and applause ] okay, let's go. how you doing, sweetie? stand up. >> hi. >> jimmy: hey, what is your name? >> i'm stacy. >> jimmy: stacy, very good. stacy, where are you from? >> i'm from new jersey. >> jimmy: hey, very good. we love new jersey. [ cheers and applause ] stacy from new jersey. now, we're right in the middle of fall right now. the weather is nice. the air is crisp. what is your favorite thing to do in the fall? >> i love to jump in the leaves, jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. very good. jump in the leaves. everyone likes to jump in the leaves. >> sure, why not? >> jimmy: yep.

just make sure they're not about being burnt. [ light laughter ] 'cause then, it's very dangerous. >> very. >> jimmy: roots, we have our pal, stacy, here. she's from new jersey. [ cheers and applause ] and since it's fall, she likes toump in t leaves and play around. it's super fun. so, for this song, roots, can you do it like a bossa nova type of jam? "girl from ipanema" type of thing. ♪ ♪ lady from new jersey is here comes when the leaves in fall are in the air and when she's jumping ♪ ♪ she makes the band go stacy stacy you are a good looking girl ♪ ♪ i wonder how you hang out

with the stores ♪ i'll catch you later when is weather is warm ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] stacy! [ cheers and applause ] who else? who wants up? you want to do it? let's go, let's go. let's go, pal. there you go. all right, here we go. what is your name? >> audra. >> jimmy: audra? [ cheers ] audra, the presidential election was on tuesday. would you ever run for president? >> no. >> jimmy: you said that pretty quickly, yeah. now, why is that? why don't you think you'd make a good president? >> skeletons. >> jimmy: really? [ laughter ] is that your boyfriend right there? >> my husband. >> jimmy: yeah, nice to meet -- your husband. nice to meet you, buddy. how you doing, pal? all right, very good. very good. roots, we have audra who said she would not make a good candidate for president because of her husband's skeletons that he has. she blames it on her husband.

for this one, colorado and washington just voted to legalize marijuana. [ cheers and applause ] so, in honor of that -- >> woo! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, that's why she can't run for president. yeah, yeah, yeah. i think we're starting to see one of those skeletons right there. in honor of that, can you guys do, like, a jam band style? like a phish type of thing? ♪ ♪ yeah yeah my friend audra sometimes she wears black i asked if she would ♪ ♪ ever run for president like barack she said there'd be too much gossip ♪ ♪ her husband's got skeletons in the closet ♪ ♪ and if she ran for president it may knock 'em out ♪ ♪ that would be why colorado ♪

♪ colorado [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. thank you, pal. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you, buddy. nice to meet you. >> thank you. you, too. >> jimmy: let's go. i'm gonna through here. i'm gonna cut through. i'm gonna cut through, if you don't mind. how you doing? hey, guys. how are you? how you doing? excuse me. [ laughter ] sorry. you just imagine me at the movie theater. so sorry about that. [ laughter ] all right? how you doing, buddy? >> not too bad. >> jimmy: getting close. getting real close. sorry. hey, how you doing? don't get up. please, don't get up. yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] thank you so much for not moving. how you doing, buddy? sorry about that. how you doing? excuse me. oh, sorry, excuse me. i apologize. hey, that's my mom and dad right there. hey, guys. [ light laughter ] how are you? hey, dad. [ audience aws ] [ applause ] i love my mom. how you doing, my friends? let's go. [ applause ] how you doing, buddy? >> i'm good. how are you? >> jimmy: doing great! what is your name? >> homey.

>> jimmy: homey? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] that's my real name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: homey -- okay. no, i like this. homey, i think i know the answer to this. thanksgiving's coming up. do you have any thanksgiving plans? [ light laughter ] yeah, you're gonna go homey. he's chillin' with his homies. [ laughter ] gonna chill with his homies, the rest of his homies. all right. and what is your favorite thanksgiving food? say bologna and help out tariq. [ laughter ] >> i'll have to give the roots that one. i love the roots. so bologna. >> jimmy: all right. good. bologna isn't bad. come on. that's a little christmas gift for you. >> that's a thanksgiving for me. >> jimmy: we have my man, homey. [ laughter ] is that your last name, too? >> diaz. >> jimmy: homey diaz? >> homey diaz. >> jimmy: homey diaz. [ laughter ] homey diaz.

homey diaz, for thanksgiving, he's going home -- [ laughter ] -- and gonna chill with his other homies. he's gonna chill with the homies. and his favorite thanksgiving food is bologna. [ laughter ] for this last one, how about a motown style song like temptations. [ cheers and applause ] get the crowd moving. ♪ ♪ well all right my friend homey says he's going homey ♪ ♪ just for thanksgiving plans ♪ ♪ my friend homey got up out of his seat because jimmy had asked him to say ♪ ♪ i said what's your favorite thing to eat on thanksgiving homey said bologna for real ♪ ♪ i like bologna i like bologna that's my one and only that's my one and only ♪ ♪ my favorite homie

my favorite homie ooh bologna ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to homey. thanks to these guys. thanks to the roots. we'll be right back with taylor lautner! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ we can feel it when we wake up ♪ ♪ were all travelin 'cause ♪ tonight were sittin' around the table ♪ ♪ the holiday when were able...♪ ♪ something in the air something in the air ♪ ♪ it's christmas in the air that keeps us together♪

bye daddy! bye! bye girls, love you daddy, we made you a video for your trip! yeah, watch it on the airplane! ok here you go aw, thanks girls yeah hey, i also made you a video aw, that's so sweet you probably shouldn't watch it on the plane say bye to daddy! bye girls! bye! bye dad! share videos instantly. the new galaxy s3. now available at best buy and best buy mobile stores. with thermacare heatwraps. thermacare works differently. it's the only wrap with patented heat cells that penetrate deep to relax, soothe, and unlock tight muscles. for up to 16 hours of relief, try thermacare.

♪ ♪ ♪ [ jim koch ] sam adams winter lager. it'll warm your cockles, whatever cockles are. [ laughter ]

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: starting next friday, november 16th, you can see our first guest starring alongside robert pattinson and

kristen stewart in "the twilight saga: breaking dawn part ii." take a look at some action from this big, big movie. >> my family's in danger. i need your he. >> we'll join you. >> we will stand with you. >> a lot of red eyes around here. [ growling ] ♪ >> i'll ver let anybody hu you. ♪ >> jimmy: it's going to be big. please welcome back to the show, taylor lautner! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. welcome. please, have a seat. >> wow. >> jimmy: thank you for coming back to the show. >> i -- it's going to sound crazy, but i am so excited to be

back. >> jimmy: oh, really? oh, come on. >> i tell you -- listen, listen. you guys know this, but he is the best. >> jimmy: oh, i love you. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i love you. always love you. how is -- we always talk football when you're on the show. how is your fantasy football going this season? >> if you would've asked me that two or three weeks ago, i'd be crying. >> jimmy: really? >> because i started off terrible. i won the first game, and then, i went on a five or six game losing streak. and it was -- i was depressed. but i made some blockbuster trades. i did some work. and now, i'm on a three-game winning streak, and my team is looking solid. >> jimmy: oh, really? all right, you're doing good. very good. [ applause ] >> yeah, i'm back in it. >> jimmy: i always want to check in. i'm glad you're back in. >> i appreciate that. are you not playing this year? >> jimmy: i am playing, but what happened is i got a new phone, and so, i got to put the app on the phone to play the game -- you know, the fantasy football app. i haven't done that, and i've been winning. >> really? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. so, when i play, i lose, and when i don't play, i win. so, i'm not going to do it. yeah. >> well, that's good. there you go. >> jimmy: yeah. so, i'm winning, but i have no idea what's happening.

>> that's a good strategy. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. now, i know you're not on twitter, but you met a gentleman who is on twitter the other day. >> that is correct. >> jimmy: anhe tweeted out a photo of you -- your new best friend. here's you and larry king. >> there he is. >> jimmy: right there, yep. >> yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: larry king and his tweet -- i love his tweet. his tweet says, "i have made my decision. team jacob." [ cheers and applause ] >> i was -- i was very honored. >> jimmy: yeah, that -- he's major league. he's a great -- >> he is. >> jimmy: he's a great dude. >> he was hilarious. >> jimmy: and it's really larry king tweeting. you can tell because some of his stuff -- it's great. it's like, "turner classic movies is one great tv channel." [ laughter ] he had another one. he said, "it is impossible to eat a crouton without spilling crumbs. this is a fact of life." [ laughter ] it's, like, i love that he did this. he just -- >> he's awesome. >> jimmy: no, he rocks. he rocks. congrats on this. this is it. the last "twilight." it's a little sad for fans. >> it is. sad for us, too.

>> jimmy: it is, right? >> it's a weird feeling. >> jimmy: it is, right? 'cause you miss all these guys and all the time you spend. you kind of grew up, in a way, together. >> yeah, we did. i mean, i started the whole journey when i was 15 years old. so, i absolutely -- for those crucial years, they were my family. >> jimmyyeah, you were 15, and you also had a really awesome wig. >> oh! >> jimmy: great wig. [ cheers and applause ] look at that dude. looks like you're wearing a hoodie. [ applause ] how is that guy? >> yeah, that was terrible. >> jimmy: you miss working with him? >> i don't. [ light laughter ] i don't. >> jimmy: you don't. not at all. >> no, i remember that was for the first movie. and i -- i only had, like, two or three scenes. so, i showed up to film, like, halfway through. so, everybody was already really close friends, and i show up and i'm the new kid on the block. and i was super nervous. and i was the youngest. and i had to put on that stinking wig. and i just remember every time i introduced myself to, like, kristen and then rob and all the cullens, the first thing i would say is "you know this is a wig. this isn't real." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not my real hair. >> no, no. i was so nervous. >> jimmy: but i mean -- this movie is -- it goes through the whole thing

of, you know, bella has this baby now. >> yes. >> jimmy: the devil baby. [ laughter ] but she has this baby, and what do you -- what does edward do? what does jacob do? do you come and join forces? who knows? well, if you read the book, you know. but -- not like i'm spoiling anything. go to a bookstore and read. yeah. but i do love at the end, they kind of show clips of all the movies. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i got a little bit choked up a little bit. >> i'm sure you did. >> jimmy: i really did. i'm a fan. >> yeah, that's good to hear. >> jimmy: i was the only one crying in the whole theater. i was like -- [ crying ] but it actually was really nice to see you guys grow up. >> yeah, it is nice. they wrapped the film up nicely. and it doesn't only wrap up the film, it wraps up the whole franchise and brings everything back. >> jimmy: yeah, and a lot of action. >> and a lot of action throughout, yeah. >> jimmy: big, big blowout fights. it's crazy. >> i was surprised. i was like, "am i watching a 'twilight' movie?" >> jimmy: yeah, it's the real action, yeah. >> there is, yeah. >> jimmy: it's not so much love story and stuff like that. it's more like -- >> there's some sweet sequences. >> jimmy: yeah, heads being chopped off. yeah, it's crazy. i don't want to ruin anything for anybody. >> no, no. >> jimmy: and last time you were on the show -- was it the super bowl show?

>> yeah, it was the super bowl in indy. >> jimmy: we were in indianapolis. >> yep. >> jimmy: and do you remember what we did? we played -- >> of course i do. >> jimmy: we played this game with drew brees -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- who is awesome. and we were -- i was throwing plates, and you and drew brees, at different times, you were throwing -- trying to hit the plates with the football. >> yeah, it was like skeet shooting but with footballs. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yep. >> jimmy: and at one point, you started beating drew brees. >> i know. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it always happens. no, but i was sitting there 'cause i was -- i was scared 'cause i was -- i was -- 'cause drew brees is laughing, and he's like, "ah, what's up? how you doing, taylor?" >> he was having fun. >> jimmy: yeah, he was like, "that's cool." and then, you started beating him. and all of a sudden, he was like -- >> oh, he got so serious. [ laughter ] i know. >> jimmy: and he started like, whipping out, and i'm throwing these plates like, "whoa, oh my god. all right. chill out, man!" >> i know. and here, i'm getting excited. i'll, like, nail one, ani start freaking out. and i'd go to give him a high five, and he's like, "yeah." then he grabs the ball. >> jimmy: no, i mean, he was focused. that guy has laser beam eyes. >> lasers. he was, like, lasers. >> jimmy: and then, yeah, he ended up winning at the end. but i was like -- i got scared, man. i was like, "okay, just win. just take it." i was, like -- i didn't know what to do.

[ light laughter ] but we always have fun. the other time you came on our show, we raced motorcycles. >> yeah. >> jimmy: these tiny little motorcycles. >> all the knees up, down. >> jimmy: yeah. and we wiped out. we wrecked up there. >> oh, yeah. oh, yeah. >> jimmy: it was crazy. well, we had to find something new, and try something different. so this time, we invented a game that we're calling alligator race. want to give it a shot? >> absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, you guys. we got alligator race happening after the break. [ cheers and applause ] stick around, everybody. taylor lautner! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ classical music playing ♪ classical music playing ♪ classical music playing

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because it wouldn't be able to fit a flat-screen tv, and then the tv would be about this big, and you would have to hold the wire, and the position you would hold the wire, you wouldn't be able to see the tv. that's a pain in the buns. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. bigger is better. and at&t has the nation's largest 4g network. ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody, welcome back. i am here with our good pal, taylor lautner. he stars alongside robert pattinson and kristen stewart in "the twilight saga: breaking dawn part ii." [ cheers and applause ] the big finale to the mega franchise movie in theaters everywhere next friday, november 16th. taylor and i are about to try a new thing here on the show. we're calling it an alligator race. and it goes like this. taylor and i will both get on our bellies on top of these wheelie boards. i'll just show you what to do. and only using our arms to propel ourselves, okay?

so, i'm going to get down like that. >> okay. >> jimmy: and then, we'll just do it like this. and then, we're going to race -- we're going to race down the hall through backstage, then into the studio. and the first one to cross the finish line is the winner. >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let's go out to the starting line. >> man, i'm struggling here. >> jimmy: yeah, it's good. no, you're putting the wrong thing there. yeah. safety is sexy, you guys. [ laughter ] there you go. >> there we go. thank you. >> jimmy: you're the man, buddy. >> all right. >> jimmy: let's go. get ready to lose. >> let's do it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: el good! feel good! i feel good! woo boy, i feel good! >> you feel good? >> jimmy: i feel like a man. >> remember what happened last time during the motorcycle race? >> jimmy: yeah, i do. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] -- tighter than yours. my jumpsuit is too tight, i think. >> all right. wait, all right. >> jimmy: higgins, you're going to tell us -- >> steve: yep.

you're going to start on or are you going to start down? >> jimmy: we're going to start down. >> steve: okay. >> okay. >> steve: tell me when you're ready. >> jimmy: all right. >> steve: you know the rules. >> oh, boy. >> jimmy: yeah, boy. >> steve: i want a clean race. >> jimmy: oh. >> steve: on your mark -- >> old man. >> steve: get set -- go! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> oh, boy. oh, boy. >> jimmy: oh, you're going backwards? oh, man. >> ah! [ grunting ] >> jimmy: oh. oh! oh, man. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. oh. my hand just cramped my hand just cramped.

[ grunting ] [ yelling ] cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> woo! >> jimmy: thank you. i am so out of shape. the one and only taylor lautner right there, everybody. good times. you're the greatest. the "twilight" finale is in theaters next friday, november 16th. kevin pollak joins us next. there he is in the bud light platinum suite. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] the capital one cash rewards card gives you 1% cash back on all purchases, plus a 50% annual bonus. and everyone...but her likes 50% more cash. but i'm upping my game. do you want a candy cane? yes! do you want the puppy? yes! do you want a tricycle? yes! do you want 50 percent more cash?

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[ coughs ] [ baby crying ] ♪ [ male announcer ] robitussin® liquid formula soothes your throat on contact and the active ingredient relieves your cough. robitussin®. don't suffer the coughequences™. and the active ingredient relieves your cough. ♪ ♪ we can feel it when we wake up ♪ ♪ were all travelin 'cause ♪ tonight were sittin' around the table ♪

♪ the holiday when were able...♪ ♪ something in the air something in the air ♪ ♪ it's christmas in the air that keeps us together♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a very talented impersonator, comedian and actor whose body of work includes "casino," "a few good men" and "the usual suspects." now, he has a new book titled "how i slept my way to the middle: secrets and stories from stage, screen and interwebs." please welcome kevin pollak, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about there. kevin -- kevin pollak in the house. >> thank you. please be seated. >> jimmy: welcome -- welcome to our program. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: thank you for finally coming on. we're fans of you over here. >> well, listen, i watch every night. the least i can do is stop by. >> jimmy: thank you, buddy. but this is -- are you excited? this is a prehistoric studio. >> it is. >> jimmy: this is where johnny carson first started "the tonight show." >> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and i know out there you have the best johnny carson impression. >> i did his show many, many times. i'm that old. >> jimmy: no. >> but my favorite new fun game -- you may want to play this game -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> -- since i know you love the games -- is to do a random lyric from a song as carson. so, i'll give you the first one, and then, you make up one for yourself. it's got to be random. >> jimmy: okay. [ as johnny carson ] >> "mama-say mama-sah ma-ma-coo-sah." [ laughter ] how fun is that? >> jimmy: okay. [ as johnny carson ] >> "bye-bye miss american pie, drove my chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry."

[ laughter and applause ] >> how fun is that? >> jimmy: i'm not as good as you. >> how fun is that? >> jimmy: but you're the best at it. wait, wait. you -- first time -- i heard this story, that you turned down "the tonight show"? >> well -- >> jimmy: not really, in the nicest way. >> yeah, i've been fantasizing about doing it my whole life since i'm 10 years old. >> jimmy: every comedian's dream. >> it's your fantasy, right? so -- but by the time they asked me to do the show, a smaller group of comedians had done their act from the couch -- albert brooks, don rickles, steve martin. and i thought, "how do i not do the stand-up part and be funny from the couch doing the impersonations? if i can sit next to the king and say -- 'aw, geez. i'm sorry, johnny.'" >> jimmy: peter falk, i love it. look, here is you and johnny. >> oh, wait, wait. there it is. oh, okay. >> jimmy: i love it. look at that. oh, i love it. wait, how did you get to go there, though? look at him. he's awesome. >> that is a -- yeah, that's a magical moment, right? so, i thought, "how do i orchestrate that happening?" >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so, when the guy asked me -- the gatekeeper, jim mccauley, who would circle

you 'cause you had a have a couple of shots, not just one, in case johnny said -- [ as johnny carson ] >> "that kid was great. bring him back in two weeks." >> jimmy: you would have to do the show again in two weeks. >> you had to have two shots ready. so, i saw jim mccauley at the improv in l.a. i said, "who are you here to see?" and he said, "you." and i said, "come on. really?" and he said, "no, i came to see somebody else, but i think you're ready for the show." >> jimmy: -- lying to you. >> so, i said -- i said, "listen, i fantasized about this moment my whole life, but please understand, i think i'll have a greater impact from the couch. i know there's a protocol. you can't just bring me to the couch. so, i'm willing to wait till i have a tv show or movie. and you bring me out. i sit there and i do -- [ as johnny carson ] "i'm sorry, johnny, i hate to bother you." and then he laughs. >> jimmy: you do the wandering eye. that is the key to peter falk. >> it is, but i did that on the show with carson eventually. and then, i ran into peter falk at the grocery store. i'm not kidding. we're out in los angeles produce section, and he said, "how do you do that with your eye?" [ laughter and applause ] i swear to you. i swear.

so, somebody -- somebody sees me telling these stories. so, eventually, it took, like, a year and half before i had this movie, "willow," where they could justify bringing me out right to the couch. in fact, when i said that to him, i didn't have any prospects for a movie or a tv show. i didn't even have an agent, auditions, nothing. i just had -- and i said, "look, i may call you back in six hours and beg for this opportunity back, but i have to take this chance." and he said, "well, you know, you're not going to get worse. you're just going to get better. let's see how long you can wait." and it just felt like it had such value. >> jimmy: and then, boy oh boy. you took off from there. >> yeah. and then, i did the peter falk, and then, johnny had me back. >> jimmy: but you do everybody. you do great some impersonations. of course, you do captain kirk. you do christopher walken. [ as walken ] >> "well, here's the thing, jimmy. i don't want to make -- i don't want to make too much out of this, but i was told we were doing a cooking section." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: sorry, mr. walken, we are not doing a cooking section. [ as walken ] >> "we're not doing chicken and -- i thought i got to cook chicken in --" [ laughter ] so, all these stories -- someone saw the act. there all these anecdotes and

and meeting christopher walken, meeting all these people. and they said, "this should be in a book." and i said, "you should stop talking. i don't have time to write a book." >> jimmy: what impersonation are you working on now? >> well, here's the thing, is that when you do 'em on tv, that's how they find out about it, right? so, i'm a little nervous about doing this 'cause he might find out. but jason statham -- right? the british action hero. >> jimmy: absolutely. >> i found the key to him 'cause there is always some little thing that opens it up, right? the key of jason statham -- he says six words in a row faster than anyone else. and those six words are, "do you know what i mean?" and he says it like this. [ as statham ] "do you know what i mean?" [ laughter ] right? >> jimmy: that's it right there. [ as statham ] >> "do you know what i mean?" >> "do you know what i bloody mean?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: slow it down. >> you can slow it down eventually, but it starts as -- [ as statham ] >> "do you know what i mean? do you know what i mean?" >> jimmy: oh, that's a great one. all right. [ as statham ] >> "if i shoot you down, you're going to die. do you know what i mean?" [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: jason statham. that's a great one. >> right? >> jimmy: that is a great one. in this book, there's many, many, many fun stories. >> yeah. >> jimmy: one of 'em that made

me laugh was that on the set of -- what was it? >> "a few good men"? >> jimmy: "a few good men." >> okay, so we're rehearsing the movie and -- there's a couple weeks of rehearsal. and i see tom cruise making notes in his script with a pen. not just any pen. it's a giant pen. looks like a montblanc on steroids. it's the biggest -- >> jimmy: a giant -- like a comedy pen. >> exactly. and i started teasing him. "tom, they don't make a bigger pen? really?" so, he's goes, "no, buddy, you got to write with it. check it out." so, sure enough, i write with it, and it's like angel wings floating on a cloud. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. tom cruise -- of course he would have a pen like that. >> yeah. so, you know, i find out the thing costs $500, which is like a quarter to him. who cares? but, you know, it's just enough so that i'll never have the pen. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. just so you know that you'll never have it. >> yeah, yeah. so, i tease him more and more. anyways, day three or four while we're shooting the film -- weeks later -- there's a knock on my trailer door. i open it up, and one of his assistants hands me a wrapped gift. i open it up, and it's one of the pens. a brand new one. yeah. >> jimmy: look at this thing. >> so then, when i told your

guy, he said, "can you bring the damn thing?" >> jimmy: the pen. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is the pen. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is a $500 pen. i don't want to touch it, yeah. >> so, here's the thing. so, while we're working on the movie later that day, i'm making a note in my script, and i'm not using the pen. tom goes, "buddy, where's the pen? i said, "tom, you don't understand. that's the tom cruise pen. i can't use it. ever." [ laughter ] "that goes on the mantel! that pen is a story. it's not a pen!" >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> so, two days later, he says, "buddy, buddy, you got to use that. you got to use it." i said, "tom, please don't make me use the pen." two days later, knock at the door. i open it up. his assistant hands me another wrapped gift, and said, "tom wants you to use the other pen." >> jimmy: you're kidding me. that's -- >> so, it was -- by the way, that's not tom being a dick or, you know, being a showoff. that's his way of saying, "i get it. put this one on the mantel. write with the other one." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you gotta love this. read this book, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] kevin pollak, "how i slept my way to the middle: secrets and stories from stage, screen and

interwebs" in stores right now. the wallflowers perform next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] zeebox is the free app that makes tv even better. if your tv were a hot dog, zeebox would be fancy, french mustard. just like adding mustard to a hotdog makes you go "woah!," zeebox spices up your favorite shows. download zeebox free and say "woah" when you watch tv.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests recently released their first album in seven years, "glad all over." saturday night, they're playing a hurricane sandy benefit at the capitol theatre in port chester, new york, with all proceeds benefiting the red cross. [ cheers and applause ] we love these guys. here to perform their new single, "love is a country," please welcome the wallflowers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ no there won't be an ambush anytime soon ♪ ♪ if the birds are returning it's safe enough now to say that much is true ♪ ♪ in the desert that borders between me and you ♪ ♪ where more than a few good men have failed to come back or get through ♪ ♪ and the only things living around here don't wanna talk ♪ ♪ and the wine isn't working and the vacancy signs are off ♪ ♪ and the hardships of marching they've only just begun ♪

♪ love is a country better crossed when you're young ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm staring in the window of a moving train ♪ ♪ that looks almost human as she barrels down the tracks and comes my way ♪ ♪ this no good dog of mine's the heart of a stray ♪ ♪ and is down in the ditch lights before i've even a chance to call his name ♪ ♪ i'm watching the clouds overwhelming the evening sun it's just after lightning and before thunder comes ♪

♪ when nothing really happens and suddenly then it does ♪ ♪ love is a country better served with someone ♪ ♪ ♪ i remember the evening you last came home ♪ ♪ it was warm as the devil sat back up with his boots put back on ♪ ♪ he said you've never been boring you keep me young ♪ ♪ there's more work than ever and still only one of me to get it done ♪ ♪ her ring's on the seat riding shotgun next to my hat ♪

♪ with her name on the window where fog settles down on the glass ♪ ♪ nowhere in the middle of somewhere that has no past ♪ ♪ love is a country you leave and not welcome back ♪ ♪ you leave and not welcome back ♪ ♪ love is a country that won't be overcome ♪ ♪ it won't be overcome ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the wallflowers! [ cheers and applause ] check out their album, "glad all